And now comes the question that spawned this entire blog rambling on violence. Does the “discussion method” make it harder for children to understand violence? Does it make a child more vulnerable in violent situations? Does it inhibit a person and make it harder for that person to learn certain life lessons? Does it make a child more sympathetic to other peoples circumstances? Does it make them less sympathetic? Take me for example:
I am a person who is VERY sensitive to violence. Seeing fights and anger and acts of violence make me physically sick to my stomach. It started when I was young and I would see kids get bullied. For some reason it would tear me up inside to see kids get bullied – I would be unable to function until the violence was gone. I would immediately rush up to the interrogator and demand that he “stop this instant!” In hindsight, putting myself in this situation could have been very dangerous, but I never saw it that way (is this because I grew up with the discussion method?). I usually didn’t care if the bully then directed his negative attention to me, because I knew that the previous victim was now free from the attacks – even if only for a moment. It was almost as if I knew I could handle threats and attacks, but I thought that other people couldn’t handle it (my confidence was odd considering I didn’t really know what violence felt like). The bullying usually stopped right there, though, probably because he could see my confidence and lack of fear; he could see that I knew I was stronger than him. I don’t know if I ever made a difference in anybody’s life at those moments, but I didn’t care. What I cared about was that the violence was gone, that the disgusting hatred that existed in the atmosphere was no longer visible.
Growing up I saw more and more adolescent fights. Fights that went beyond bullying and innocent children’s squabbles. Teenage girls scratching and pulling each other’s hair while calling each other vile names like “bitch” and “slut.” Adolescent boys punching and kicking each other in defense of somebody’s honor. I began to see kids use weapons on each other: skateboards, book bags, glass bottles, and even knives. These are not things I saw on TV, these are things I saw on the sidewalks after school or in the parking lots at the malls. I was immune to violence on a television screen, but I was utterly defenseless against violence on the streets in front of my house. It was as if the violence was contagions and could spread like a virus. I had not built up my defenses against violence and so the negative energy from it would consume me – it would fill me up and eat at me inside, and that’s why I would feel so sick. My body didn’t know how to handle the feelings I felt when I would see such hate filled acts of violence, and so it interpreted those feelings the best way it could: as a disease. And I think that’s why I get so sick around violence.
As an adult I still get sick to my stomach when I see a fight. Sometimes I get more than that. Sometimes I get a piercing headache, I feel weak and dizzy, my heart beats faster, my knees get weak. I think that maybe I get these symptoms because I don’t understand violence. And the reason that I don’t understand violence is because my parents never used it on me. I am grateful for my parents’ forward progressive thinking, but I am also wondering if there might be some negative side effects to this style of parenting. Is there something I should do differently when parenting my own child? They say that most things should be done in moderation; that going to extremes one way or the other is not healthy. Does that mean that is it unhealthy to not use any violence – at all – ever? Does that mean that using no violence is just as unhealthy as using excessive violence?
Absolutly not, Violence not only physically damages us but our spirit always becomes damaged.
Becoming desensitized to violence is an epidemic that is statistically devistating to the world.
Can’t wait for part 4…
In terms of the bullying, and “in general”, I think there’s a big difference between what girls experience and what boys experience. I don’t have any facts to back this up but I would guess weaker boys get bullied much more often than weaker girls. Girls have the rule “your not supposed to hit girls” to help deter most bullies. Also, if a girl steps in to protect a boy, a bully would most likely back down to a girl simply because the thought of hitting a girl is much more detering. Whereas if another boy steps in to protect the weaker kid i think there is much more chance of a fight.
In terms of violence, i think the threat of violence can be helpful. Definately not the act but just the threat can be benificial. However, if you use it too much then it becomes an empty threat but used in rare circumstance i can see it being useful. (FYI, I’m not suggesting I am going to do this i’m just rambleing off thoughts).
The thing with bullying and girls is, we use non physical bulling which just as violent.
And I truly believe that the threat of violence is almost the same as the act itself. You are telling someone else that you have the capacity for it. Diplomacy has the same effect if used properly, dont you think??