My parents’ radical thinking of yesterday is an accepted creed of today. There are numerous studies out there that say that using violence to teach a kid does not teach them to do something because it is “the right thing to do,” but instead it teaches the kid to just “not get caught doing it.” It does not teach them why it is good or bad to do something, it only teaches them that if you get caught doing it, you might be punished. It is also suggested that using violence on children then teaches kids to use violence on each other. This is where the vicious cycle of violence is born.
Whether or not this is the case, I don’t know, because as I said before, my parents never used violence on me. I can guess that even if a parent teaches a child to “follow the rules to avoid punishment,” the child will still learn to do the right thing. It seems that the difference between teaching a child through violence and teaching a child through discussion is the child’s motive for doing “the right thing.” In one method, the child acts in order to avoid punishment, in the other method, the child acts based on morality or thought. That is not to say that the child who acts in order to avoid punishment is not moral. I think that we all have a moral code that runs through our veins farther than society can touch. Whether we teach our kids to act based on their morals versus acting based on their fears does not mean that we all are either moral or immoral – like I said, I think we all have that moral fiber – it’s just that some learn to use it sooner than others.
Both of my parents grew up in violent homes like so many other children of their generation. Amazingly, though, they both emerged from those punitive homes with different ideals than the statistics dictated they should have. My parents chose to break the vicious cycle of violence that so many people abided by. They believed that violence is not necessary; that they would be able to teach their children how to do the right things without having to use violence. They made an oath that they would not raise their children the way their parents and grandparents and great grandparents raised kids, they swore to hold fast to their convictions, even in a world that was likely to judge and criticize their ideals.
My parents succeeded. Even going through the childhood that I went through, my parents were still able to get through to me. I choose to do the right things every single day. I am only human, so of course I make mistakes, but I feel confident in saying that I am a good person who does good things. I do good things because I know that it is better for me to do them. I do good things because that is how I was raised. I do good things because I know in my brain and in my heart that it is the right thing to do. Specifically, I know why the “right thing” is right and the “wrong thing” is wrong. This is an ideal that I would like to pass onto my children. When my children do good things, I want to know that they do it because they know it is the right thing to do, and not because they are afraid they will get spanked it they do the wrong thing.
But as I’ve said, because of this parenting style my exposure to violence has been very limited, and this concerns me.
I thought about my own situation that goes along with this.
My mom used violence as a strong method (with her hand, belts, etc) and today I am angry at her more often than not. My dad never laid a hand on me, and he had me so “whipped” in the sense that I would do every thing he said. I WANTED to please him because I had a taste of what the other parenting style was like and I didn’t like it. Sure he probably made some mistakes (ie the spilling water thing lol) but in the end I turned out a helluva lot more like him, and I’m completely thankful for that.
That’s very interesting. The dynamics of parenting seem to be so complex that you almost wonder if you can ever really get it right.
By the way, I still laugh when I think about the water spilling incident. And then he was mad because you had the air conditioning on, LOL, he must have had a rough day at work.